A Good Story: Damn You, Gem State

Let’s get one thing straight – I don’t want to be that girl who finally calls someone back after 6 (or.. ahem… seventeen) months and then spends the subsequent 15 minutes detailing, explaining, and then apologizing for the long interval of no communication. Let’s cut to the chase shall we?

When last we met I had run into some, shall we say, “visibility” issues that rendered both my right fender and someone else’s motorcycle pretty much useless. But that is neither here nor there. However, yesterday I was reminded of an incident from last month that answers the question as to why my monthly insurance premium is excessive to the point of ludicrous – an incident involving the Idaho State Highway Patrol.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a highway motorist in possession of a well-functioning vehicle must take precautions while approaching the few-and-far-between townships of Southeast Idaho. I have been pulled over in both Pocatello and McCammon (twice!) without ever receiving a speeding ticket, and so have learned that it is imperative to slow-the-hell-down as you come upon these areas. I guess the local municipal taxes are in continuous need of supplement?

On this particular drive, I was alone and had chosen to watch/listen to the first season of a TV show to pass the time. The problem with this is that is easy to become distracted to the point that you become oblivious to the surrounding areas as you drive by, which I realized when I happened to glance into my rearview mirror and noticed the flashing lights of a patrol car as it sped closer and closer to me. My first thought was to panic- not at the fact that I was speeding (a given) but at the fact that I am SURE it is illegal to set a portable DVD player on the dash of an operating vehicle, much less have one playing while reading text messages simultaneously. In one deft motion I threw my phone onto the passenger seat and sent the player/accompanying AV cords crashing to the floor. As I began to pull over to the shoulder I realized the stereo was still blaring dialogue from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” (which is, by the way, a show about reprobates who do horrible things to each other – not exactly something an upstanding citizen should enjoy as much as I do) and so I frantically began pushing buttons in hope that a respectable classical music station or CD of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir would take its place. Unfortunately I wasn’t acquainted with the newly-installed faceplate and so I only succeeded in turning the still-noisy output to a cracking radio station. As my car came to a stop and the officer began walking towards my window I finally accomplished turning the entire thing off and I began formulating the plan of action that would allow me to evade another violation on my driving record.

I rolled down my window while shaking my hair loose and trying to appear guiltless; I admit that I am not above shameless flirting when it comes to these things. The officer was youngish and asked “where I was heading” as I began to look through my wallet for a license – I laughed and spoke of the family visits, reading to orphans and saving puppies that I planned to do upon my arrival in Idaho Falls, a short hour-long drive from where we were stopped – anything to win him over. As I reached across the seat to find my registration and proof of insurance, he asked if I had any idea of how fast I was going- I plied him with an apologetic laugh and told him truthfully that I did not, that I was distracted and hadn’t been paying careful enough attention for a few moments. He returned the smile as he said “well, when I first clocked you, you were cruising at about 90 mph.” My grin faltered somewhat as I began to contemplate the inclusion of the word “first” as he continued: “but when I started flashing my lights and siren you sped up to 98 mph.” As I began to comprehend how it was possible that he had been so close behind me when I noticed the flashing lights I realized that he had probably been attempting to get my attention for a while. He concluded “I was thinking you were making a run for it – you had me pretty nervous about how this was going to turn out.”

On the plus side the ticket was only $85.